Because I know how people irl will react to the whole situation of 'oh my gawd gurl are those cut marks?!' kind of thing- but I would like a chance to half-justify shit before I actually tell anyone if I ever do.
My shrink doesn't want to see me anymore from what I gathered from our last meeting, which kind of sucks because I put so much fucking trust into that woman that it's just stupid to go around and pretend that it doesn't hurt because god dammit I have trust issues.
I believe that my problems are with the whole 'I'm not normal' situation that's going around in my head- every single time the words 'homosexual', 'gay', 'lesbian' come up it sends another spike into my heart because- guess what world- that's what I am. I am a homosexual gay lesbian in that order because fuck it. And do you know how much fear I live in every single day? My brother threatens me with my life more than he should, hell I should have called the police on him last time that he pulled a knife on me. Everyday he tells me that I should just die because I dance- because I sing to music and he doesn't even know my current standing on things. He is the pure-breed homophobe that I hope all of you white Christians are awful proud of.
My anti-depressants aren't working as well as they had during the winter, and the problem is I can't bring myself to tell my mother because she'll be all like 'oh buck it up girl' at least until I actually show her on the inside of my elbow the straight cuts that kept me awake last night just from the thrill of pain and uncertainty. I don't bleed that much, yes I have attempted cutting myself on my wrists and that wasn't one of the things that worked very well, and this time I bled less with more cuts because more than likely I didn't do it right.
The compulsions that I'm having just to give-the-fuck-up-already are coming so hard that I almost took a good half bottle of sleeping aids just to see if it would really kill me. Thoughts run through my head every single living moment that I have about death, about how I could so easily throw myself under a bus or suicide-by-cop would be a pretty easy one. Suffocating. Bleeding out. Over dose. Jumping off of a cliff.
It's not like I want to die because I hate myself, I want to die because I want to die. As fucked up as it seems I've had these thoughts since before I was of the age of ten.
Every night before I fell to sleep I prayed to god that he would just kill me before the morning so that I could go to heaven- as it had gotten into my head that if a child was under the age of ten they were going to automatically go to heaven no matter what they did.
During my early years of elementary I kept telling myself every day that I had to stay alive because I wanted to be like my big sister- I wanted to be a Caddie at camp and have people love me, so I lived on.
But now, this is my last year of being a Caddie and honestly there is nothing left. I have made big dreams that won't ever come true because honestly, look at me. I am a mess who doesn't know when to stop dreaming. I am a person who can't stop thinking about death or how many hours she's on the computer, or how many whispers are in the air because I am not crazy.
My genes just don't want to reproduce, that would mean that my genes are not ones that should be carried on. So I guess that makes sense for the whole gay thing.
And god knows that I've always been this way, don't give me shit about 'its okay, you can go to church and be saved' because before I even knew what 'gay' was in third grade I confessed to a girl that I loved her, in my own house, before I knew what I was doing.
She went into homeschooling the next year.
so yeah. label me, tell me that i am majorly depressed because of my home situation with my parents and brother. ignore me, tell my parents that it's 'just a phase and she'll come out of it'. just please don't talk to me about it because this is the one and only time that it will ever come from my mouth or fingertips.
i am personally too afraid of everyone if i repeat it more than this.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Since when?
Having struggled through the couple of days that were known as NaNoWriMo, and finals. ... Blob of flesh coming through, please! -____-
although i have been so emotionally drained recently because of everything that seems to want to eat my face off. My metiphorical face. A face that can be eaten off from stressful things that seem to swim through my own life.
Lets start at the top of the agenda.
More currently, my sister[who is most likely reading this] has gotten herself a boyfriend. Someone that she relies fully on. Not saying that its a bad thing, seeing as most anyone would enjoy to have such a relationship with another that you could trust the other person completely. Although from all the things that i have observed i feel that it is something more than such a relationship. I don't hate the guy that she's chosen, i just don't enjoy the opinions he's supporting on his head. I don't enjoy the thought that people can become godly in a nother world from knowing everything. Maybe i just have to look into the Mormon religon more, but because of my church- i have seen the differences.
That takes us to the second item on the list
My geography teacher kills my soul. Muslims and Christians are not the same. And yet durring the lectures today as well as yesterday he kept pointing out the similarities between these completely different religons. I mean come. On. Although at this point in time I don't feel the need to explain how different they are.
And then.
So i've been attempting to gather friends around me, and after a whole half a year of attempting such a task it has been a complete waste. You see, i have figured out that people don't CARE if i actually attempt this task. Seeing as they don't have problems with such a little thing. Even though i've had problems with this after elementary school; after i was transfered to another district. Because of this event i havn't been able to get close to people because of the facts that people are only after another person to add to their clan. Another person to add on their 'Friend' list.
At this point in time i don't have a best friend.
I have confirmed this, and i don't see this changing any time soon.
All of my 'Best Friend's have betrayed me in one way or another, stabbing me in the back, or fading over that horizon and never making contact again.
So...
I guess thats the update at this point in time... ;n;
Oh right! Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and whatever holiday that i can't remember off the top of my head ;u;
~Morby and Friends
although i have been so emotionally drained recently because of everything that seems to want to eat my face off. My metiphorical face. A face that can be eaten off from stressful things that seem to swim through my own life.
Lets start at the top of the agenda.
More currently, my sister
That takes us to the second item on the list
My geography teacher kills my soul. Muslims and Christians are not the same. And yet durring the lectures today as well as yesterday he kept pointing out the similarities between these completely different religons. I mean come. On. Although at this point in time I don't feel the need to explain how different they are.
And then.
So i've been attempting to gather friends around me, and after a whole half a year of attempting such a task it has been a complete waste. You see, i have figured out that people don't CARE if i actually attempt this task. Seeing as they don't have problems with such a little thing. Even though i've had problems with this after elementary school; after i was transfered to another district. Because of this event i havn't been able to get close to people because of the facts that people are only after another person to add to their clan. Another person to add on their 'Friend' list.
At this point in time i don't have a best friend.
I have confirmed this, and i don't see this changing any time soon.
All of my 'Best Friend's have betrayed me in one way or another, stabbing me in the back, or fading over that horizon and never making contact again.
So...
I guess thats the update at this point in time... ;n;
Oh right! Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and whatever holiday that i can't remember off the top of my head ;u;
~Morby and Friends
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Wed-nes-Day.
Well so far i have been able to stay alive for the past day. Although it has been pretty bad. I've been sick for the past couple of days- fever, soar throat, raspy voice, runny nose, the whole sha-bang. But today i got the hiccups to add to this maddness. And most of the ideas that I've gotten to get rid of the hiccups have only made them hurt worse D:
Hiccuping + class = not a good day. It was what people would classify as 'Embarrassing'. Hiccups can be very loud especially when you don't want people to notice that you have them.
NaNoWriMo is coming up!!!!!! I really can't wait. One whole month and then madness, constantly for a whole month. And then almost complete udder defeat.
For people who don't know- National Novel Writing Month, this year will be my second time entering, and for people who do know- I will actually get to the 50.000 words required! It will be a dream come true! but most likely i'll wake up to a world full of editing =o=
November, it is in.Woo! star wars reference!
Last year, i did my NaNoWriMo on a couple out of a high school. The main character was named 'Uvic' and secondary was 'Marc'. They made me very happy. Although now that i look back on it, its really very sad, i wasn't able to get to the actually exciting part that was to be the second half of the story when they went into a Time Warp {thats really complicated Government related awesomeness} and actually discover that the people inside of the Time Warp [when they are actually suppossed to know of the outside world -aka this world-] but really don't and have been trapped there and really think that they are in the roman empire. :D Rome!FTW!
But this pretty wraps up my second day. with blog privilages~
God, thank you for the internet. Because otherwise, how would meaningless people like me go on day after day without knowing what other meaningless people were doing? Of course, we have to give credit to people who actually saw this coming to a point were people mis-used the internet to post random crap about them constantly on the internet. And that is why I am paranoid. But this is also a good thing, for I have made friends with people in other areas of the world that I would have otherwise not have been able to meet. People are amazing, and people that could be my best friends are on the other side of the world right now- in a way that we have lots in common and could bring alot to this world if we made contact- as in blog sights.
scratch that, it would be a very strange thing if i found my best friend through the internet. Very weird. Heck i would be paranoid of them not being who they say they are and everything that they do online was just simply a cover-up to really be a preditor online. 030. ok yes, i have watched to many crime shows. im sorry.
Hiccuping + class = not a good day. It was what people would classify as 'Embarrassing'. Hiccups can be very loud especially when you don't want people to notice that you have them.
NaNoWriMo is coming up!!!!!! I really can't wait. One whole month and then madness, constantly for a whole month. And then almost complete udder defeat.
For people who don't know- National Novel Writing Month, this year will be my second time entering, and for people who do know- I will actually get to the 50.000 words required! It will be a dream come true! but most likely i'll wake up to a world full of editing =o=
November, it is in.
Last year, i did my NaNoWriMo on a couple out of a high school. The main character was named 'Uvic' and secondary was 'Marc'. They made me very happy. Although now that i look back on it, its really very sad, i wasn't able to get to the actually exciting part that was to be the second half of the story when they went into a Time Warp {thats really complicated Government related awesomeness} and actually discover that the people inside of the Time Warp [when they are actually suppossed to know of the outside world -aka this world-] but really don't and have been trapped there and really think that they are in the roman empire. :D Rome!
But this pretty wraps up my second day. with blog privilages~
God, thank you for the internet. Because otherwise, how would meaningless people like me go on day after day without knowing what other meaningless people were doing? Of course, we have to give credit to people who actually saw this coming to a point were people mis-used the internet to post random crap about them constantly on the internet. And that is why I am paranoid. But this is also a good thing, for I have made friends with people in other areas of the world that I would have otherwise not have been able to meet. People are amazing, and people that could be my best friends are on the other side of the world right now- in a way that we have lots in common and could bring alot to this world if we made contact- as in blog sights.
scratch that, it would be a very strange thing if i found my best friend through the internet. Very weird. Heck i would be paranoid of them not being who they say they are and everything that they do online was just simply a cover-up to really be a preditor online. 030. ok yes, i have watched to many crime shows. im sorry.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Day One
Well... today being the first day of blogging- i congratulate the internet for having such a fine thing online.... Of course this will be a much smoother process as time goes on and people get over paranoias that they have about the internet and everything that people could possibly do through it. Mainly me. but that is a subject for later discusion.
I will most likely use this opertunity to talk about my life. thats why its titled the way it is. Because i really don't have one and therefore won't really be talking about anything. o3o
And i will most likely reference my other places that i hang out on the internet, and post links acordingly so that people won't get confused. if anyone actually reads this. if anyone actually mindlessly clicks on this one blog just to see what the person is saying behind it. ... I'll take the chance!
Oh... and if you don't like the things that i say... im sorry in advance
Most likely i won't be able to update this every day if i can't get it to work on iPod. But if i do, then i will attempt to make a statement more often.
Promises! lets live up to them, shall we? it would be a very good thing in the way that the world is shaping out to be- a nice pointed tip. i feel for the aliens that are eventually going to find us. because i seriously don't think that we are getting off this planet for another couple million years when we finally understand that we couldn't possibly know whats at the center of the earth without actually going down into it. :)
Right... and now i shall introduce my personalities~
Morby, obvious- she's real creepy, as in WallFlower Nakahara Sunako creepy
Inner Child, a part of me that has never really expressed herself in this world.
Bride, the perfect well-rounded all A's student
Perv, one of the most anoying- fangirling- morons on the face of the planet
Gov'na, paranoid schizophrenic [male]
Andrews, My nerd self :3 [male]
OK yes, i can have two male personalities in my head when there are six total! my friend only has two and they are both male... but she's amazing!
I also might randomly rant about things- such as subjects in school and how the teacher simply doesn't get that he is actually supposed to teach a language to Naruto and other anime/manga related junk...
but thats all for now....
~Morby
I will most likely use this opertunity to talk about my life. thats why its titled the way it is. Because i really don't have one and therefore won't really be talking about anything. o3o
And i will most likely reference my other places that i hang out on the internet, and post links acordingly so that people won't get confused. if anyone actually reads this. if anyone actually mindlessly clicks on this one blog just to see what the person is saying behind it. ... I'll take the chance!
Oh... and if you don't like the things that i say... im sorry in advance
Most likely i won't be able to update this every day if i can't get it to work on iPod. But if i do, then i will attempt to make a statement more often.
Promises! lets live up to them, shall we? it would be a very good thing in the way that the world is shaping out to be- a nice pointed tip. i feel for the aliens that are eventually going to find us. because i seriously don't think that we are getting off this planet for another couple million years when we finally understand that we couldn't possibly know whats at the center of the earth without actually going down into it. :)
Right... and now i shall introduce my personalities~
Morby, obvious- she's real creepy, as in WallFlower Nakahara Sunako creepy
Inner Child, a part of me that has never really expressed herself in this world.
Bride, the perfect well-rounded all A's student
Perv, one of the most anoying- fangirling- morons on the face of the planet
Gov'na, paranoid schizophrenic [male]
Andrews, My nerd self :3 [male]
OK yes, i can have two male personalities in my head when there are six total! my friend only has two and they are both male... but she's amazing!
I also might randomly rant about things- such as subjects in school and how the teacher simply doesn't get that he is actually supposed to teach a language to Naruto and other anime/manga related junk...
but thats all for now....
~Morby
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